i see you building the castle with one hand while tearing down another with the other

so many things to say.

i've been home. i've seen him and i've been home. but i didn't feel that comfortable.
everything was just in my mind.
in my thoughts.
i thought i could feel safe while he's around me .
well obviously i couldn't.
i've just idolized pieces of some of the good times we had.
good times of a great fall.
with coffee smell and cigarette smoke.
i didn't realize that all of those good times disappeared with the smoke.

i still regret my silence.
and i still haven't learned to talk.
isn't it weird that as the most talkative and extraverted person that i am , i can not share my feelings. i can't even accept them.
i really have to deal with these things that i feel.

i can't spend a lifetime wandering in the streets like a ghost weeping, crying,feeling.
i can't spend a lifetime feeling, bitter, blue, anxious.

i can be who you want me to be.
but i can'T be your lover.
i can't be a lover.
i am good at being a friend, a girl. just a girl. an almost lover.
yep.
the best thing i can do is to be an almost lover.
but i can't be a lover.
i just can't.