gercekler acidir derler ya.
cok fena koyduklari oluyor hakikaten.
neyse.
bazi seyleri unutmak icin en kolayiymis megersem gerceklerle yuzlesmek.
butun o guzel akla takilan anilar var ya.
onlar bile yok oluyorlar.
bu sefer kisa oldu.
26.12.2010
10.12.2010
i just came to tell you that i am leaving.
things are going wrong and i don't know why.
i never did.
sometimes it hurts.
like it always did.
i could never find something to ease the pain.
i thought i could learn how to live with it.
but obviously i can't.
there must be a way, i know there is.
i just can't see it now.
it is all because i'm trying to understand.
maybe there is no need to.
instead of, i'd better try to forget immediatly.
'late at night just thinkin' of you, whisin you were here to talk to, now' -JOP
like my friend once said: "the day we won't hear about him..will be the day you found another man"
i just can't find another man when everything reminds me of him.
it is not about a picture or a place.
he is in everything known.
it's my third winter without him.
'tells me that she loves me the girl with golden eyes' -sixx am
it's a bad habbit.
an addiction.
i can see his bad parts.
but it is not about him being a good man or a bad one.
i want him and i don't care if he's a piece of shit.
i don't want to find myself on the streets staring at people just to see his face or expecting him to make an entrance in the place that i am.
'now i'm on my feet again better things are bound to happen all my dues surely must be paid many miles and many tears times were hard but now they're changing you should know that i'm not afraid..i'm ready for love' -bad company
it doesn't go by repeating his name, or writing all of these.
it just doesn't go.
'i just can't let go' -kingdome come
and now it's raining.i wish it go with the rain.
'i was cryin' when i met you now i'm tryin' to forget you' -aerosmith
and i don't know what else to say.
every night when i go to bed' thoughts are haunting me and now i can't remember any of them.
i wish i could tell you all of these.
right.
it's because i've never told you.
it's because i've never let you in.
i could ask you not to leave.
'and i'm thinkin: where has all the love gone? where's the love gone to? don't leave' -faithless
if i knew you were leaving, i would had ask you.
..even if i knew i'd watched you go.
that's what i do.
i watch you love.
i watch you not to love me.
i watch you closing the door.
i am the only fool, the only dumb in that story for sure.
no one does the same mistakes.
i do learn. i do know that i am doing mistakes.
but if he is the mistake. i just don't care.
'i ever wanted to know, never wanted to see, i wasted my time till time wasted me i never wanted to go always wanted to stay cuz the person i am are the parts that i play.' -when the crowds are gone savatage
when the crowds are gone i just sit and weep.
it's the only thing i can do.
it doesn't worth it.
but isn't it always like that.
we tear the most for the less important people.
even if i repeat myself everyday:
'just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful' -sixx am
i don't want a beautiful life if he's not a part of it.
'ain't gone and give up on love' -SRV
til i find a way out, i'll keep ask why and i'll keep try.
either way it is going to hurt.
so i'd better not quit.
i would do anything to get better.
even to get lost in the crowd til someone finds me,
to get wasted til i don't feel him.
-09122010-
i never did.
sometimes it hurts.
like it always did.
i could never find something to ease the pain.
i thought i could learn how to live with it.
but obviously i can't.
there must be a way, i know there is.
i just can't see it now.
it is all because i'm trying to understand.
maybe there is no need to.
instead of, i'd better try to forget immediatly.
'late at night just thinkin' of you, whisin you were here to talk to, now' -JOP
like my friend once said: "the day we won't hear about him..will be the day you found another man"
i just can't find another man when everything reminds me of him.
it is not about a picture or a place.
he is in everything known.
it's my third winter without him.
'tells me that she loves me the girl with golden eyes' -sixx am
it's a bad habbit.
an addiction.
i can see his bad parts.
but it is not about him being a good man or a bad one.
i want him and i don't care if he's a piece of shit.
i don't want to find myself on the streets staring at people just to see his face or expecting him to make an entrance in the place that i am.
'now i'm on my feet again better things are bound to happen all my dues surely must be paid many miles and many tears times were hard but now they're changing you should know that i'm not afraid..i'm ready for love' -bad company
it doesn't go by repeating his name, or writing all of these.
it just doesn't go.
'i just can't let go' -kingdome come
and now it's raining.i wish it go with the rain.
'i was cryin' when i met you now i'm tryin' to forget you' -aerosmith
and i don't know what else to say.
every night when i go to bed' thoughts are haunting me and now i can't remember any of them.
i wish i could tell you all of these.
right.
it's because i've never told you.
it's because i've never let you in.
i could ask you not to leave.
'and i'm thinkin: where has all the love gone? where's the love gone to? don't leave' -faithless
if i knew you were leaving, i would had ask you.
..even if i knew i'd watched you go.
that's what i do.
i watch you love.
i watch you not to love me.
i watch you closing the door.
i am the only fool, the only dumb in that story for sure.
no one does the same mistakes.
i do learn. i do know that i am doing mistakes.
but if he is the mistake. i just don't care.
'i ever wanted to know, never wanted to see, i wasted my time till time wasted me i never wanted to go always wanted to stay cuz the person i am are the parts that i play.' -when the crowds are gone savatage
when the crowds are gone i just sit and weep.
it's the only thing i can do.
it doesn't worth it.
but isn't it always like that.
we tear the most for the less important people.
even if i repeat myself everyday:
'just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful' -sixx am
i don't want a beautiful life if he's not a part of it.
'ain't gone and give up on love' -SRV
til i find a way out, i'll keep ask why and i'll keep try.
either way it is going to hurt.
so i'd better not quit.
i would do anything to get better.
even to get lost in the crowd til someone finds me,
to get wasted til i don't feel him.
-09122010-
20.11.2010
solitaire
o garip doneme geldik.
aslen unutup atlatmissinidir ama sadece ara da bir bazi anilar gelir gozunun onune,
sadece bazi zamanlarda bazi mekanlarda kucuk cagrisimlar.
ve o zaman aslinda hala kopamadigini anlarsin.
iste o donem.
ne aglayabildigin ne de unutup gulebildigin donem.
ne suresi belli.
ne acisi aci.
sacman sapan.
aslen unutup atlatmissinidir ama sadece ara da bir bazi anilar gelir gozunun onune,
sadece bazi zamanlarda bazi mekanlarda kucuk cagrisimlar.
ve o zaman aslinda hala kopamadigini anlarsin.
iste o donem.
ne aglayabildigin ne de unutup gulebildigin donem.
ne suresi belli.
ne acisi aci.
sacman sapan.
11.11.2010
like the deserts miss the rain.
i miss you.
i still can't stand it.
that you're gone without giving me any reasons.
that you can't see you're gone.
that you're so blind that you're not aware i'm not by your side anymore.
i still can't stand it.
that is only in my mind.
that i am dramatizing.
i can't stand myself.
still i can not speak.
i can not share my feelings.
and i just watch them go by.
than it just hurts for awhile.
it hurts really really bad in the beginning.
that the pain fades away also.
and than it is just visions.
i still can't stand it.
that you're gone without giving me any reasons.
that you can't see you're gone.
that you're so blind that you're not aware i'm not by your side anymore.
i still can't stand it.
that is only in my mind.
that i am dramatizing.
i can't stand myself.
still i can not speak.
i can not share my feelings.
and i just watch them go by.
than it just hurts for awhile.
it hurts really really bad in the beginning.
that the pain fades away also.
and than it is just visions.
6.05.2010
i hold on cause cause i won't let go..
birbirne ait olmak.
gercekten bu muydu aramizdaki.
yoksa gecmise donup bakinca bir hayiflanma bir ukde mi.
gunun birinde senin icin cabalayacagim diyor.
peki ben artik istiyor muyum bu cabayi.
hakediyormuyum hatta?
kac yil gecmis.
cok zaman.
zaman asimina inanmaya basladim.
hem kokusu yok.
sureti ise aslinda bir hayal.
kesinlikle zaman asimi.
3 yil gectikten sonra, ve farkli yasamlar surdukten sonra kalkip
"biz aslinda birbirimize aitiz " demek cesaret ister.o zamanlar gostermeliymisiz o cesareti.
kayip bir duyguyu yasama arzusu hala aramizdaki butun konusmalari canli tutuyor.
karsi karisyayken daha iki kelimeyi bir araya getiremeyen insanlar olarak,
buradan buyuk laflar ediyoruz.
cok buyuk benden buyuk.
kocaman.
seni seviyorumlar da degil bunlar.
sensiz yapamam da degil.
cok daha buyuk.
bensenimler.
hayatima devam ederken aniden seni dusluyorumlar bunlar.
daha buyuk.
kocaman ki.
bence sadece laf salatasi.
zaman asimi var bir kere.
3 yil once hissediyordum. su an ?
sadece beynimdeki guzel hikayeler bunlar.
sana aitmiyim?
yalnizca yagmur gosterecek bunu (:
gercekten bu muydu aramizdaki.
yoksa gecmise donup bakinca bir hayiflanma bir ukde mi.
gunun birinde senin icin cabalayacagim diyor.
peki ben artik istiyor muyum bu cabayi.
hakediyormuyum hatta?
kac yil gecmis.
cok zaman.
zaman asimina inanmaya basladim.
hem kokusu yok.
sureti ise aslinda bir hayal.
kesinlikle zaman asimi.
3 yil gectikten sonra, ve farkli yasamlar surdukten sonra kalkip
"biz aslinda birbirimize aitiz " demek cesaret ister.o zamanlar gostermeliymisiz o cesareti.
kayip bir duyguyu yasama arzusu hala aramizdaki butun konusmalari canli tutuyor.
karsi karisyayken daha iki kelimeyi bir araya getiremeyen insanlar olarak,
buradan buyuk laflar ediyoruz.
cok buyuk benden buyuk.
kocaman.
seni seviyorumlar da degil bunlar.
sensiz yapamam da degil.
cok daha buyuk.
bensenimler.
hayatima devam ederken aniden seni dusluyorumlar bunlar.
daha buyuk.
kocaman ki.
bence sadece laf salatasi.
zaman asimi var bir kere.
3 yil once hissediyordum. su an ?
sadece beynimdeki guzel hikayeler bunlar.
sana aitmiyim?
yalnizca yagmur gosterecek bunu (:
5.05.2010
fast car
there are things that i ve just found out that makes me wonder a bit more about relationships.
i really don't understand
it was so pleasant,
lying in his arms, the love was gone
the feeling was gone.
but i enjoyed so much smoking my cigarette in his arms driving fast across the city.
across the two continents upon the sea.
the music was so loud.
i felt like a child.
not aware. no awake.
just living.
but why relationships are so complicated.
i'll keep ask why.
there isn't an answer.
maybe there is.
but it'll take time
i really don't understand
it was so pleasant,
lying in his arms, the love was gone
the feeling was gone.
but i enjoyed so much smoking my cigarette in his arms driving fast across the city.
across the two continents upon the sea.
the music was so loud.
i felt like a child.
not aware. no awake.
just living.
but why relationships are so complicated.
i'll keep ask why.
there isn't an answer.
maybe there is.
but it'll take time
5.04.2010
ending theme
je ne sais quoi ecrire un dimanche soir.
mais l'envie me viens juste subitement.
a chaque j'essaye de mieux m'exprimer. et chaque fois je decouvre que je suis de plus en plus incapable d'ecrire, de penser,
et par consequent de ressentir.
je ne sais pas,
je ne sais plus ressentir.
je connais plus ou moins les sentiments mais je n'arrive pas a les identifiés a les definir.
je commence a devenir vieille.
avant j'avais un pretexte.
j'avais le luxe de faire des conneries, puisque mon age me le permettait.
maintenant que je suis plus grande je n'ai plus le droit a des conneries. 4
je n'ai plus le temps de faire des conneries.
je dois savoir ce que je veux.
je dois me trouver un but.
et vrivre ma vie pour atteindre ce but.
et mon amour idyllique..
chaque nouvelle rencontre semble demonterer a telle point cet amour idyllique est insensee.
chaque nouvelle rencontre me rend compte que tout est en vain.
et la je commence a me poser des questions existentialistes.
sur le pourquoi? de la vie.
sur le comment? de ma vie.
et je commence a pleurer discretement, car sans un pourquoi, je ne pourrai trouver un comment..
et sans ceux la je ne pourrai commencer ma "vie"....
la j'ai sommeil.
mais l'envie me viens juste subitement.
a chaque j'essaye de mieux m'exprimer. et chaque fois je decouvre que je suis de plus en plus incapable d'ecrire, de penser,
et par consequent de ressentir.
je ne sais pas,
je ne sais plus ressentir.
je connais plus ou moins les sentiments mais je n'arrive pas a les identifiés a les definir.
je commence a devenir vieille.
avant j'avais un pretexte.
j'avais le luxe de faire des conneries, puisque mon age me le permettait.
maintenant que je suis plus grande je n'ai plus le droit a des conneries. 4
je n'ai plus le temps de faire des conneries.
je dois savoir ce que je veux.
je dois me trouver un but.
et vrivre ma vie pour atteindre ce but.
et mon amour idyllique..
chaque nouvelle rencontre semble demonterer a telle point cet amour idyllique est insensee.
chaque nouvelle rencontre me rend compte que tout est en vain.
et la je commence a me poser des questions existentialistes.
sur le pourquoi? de la vie.
sur le comment? de ma vie.
et je commence a pleurer discretement, car sans un pourquoi, je ne pourrai trouver un comment..
et sans ceux la je ne pourrai commencer ma "vie"....
la j'ai sommeil.
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