i just came to tell you that i am leaving.

things are going wrong and i don't know why.
i never did.
sometimes it hurts.
like it always did.
i could never find something to ease the pain.
i thought i could learn how to live with it.
but obviously i can't.
there must be a way, i know there is.
i just can't see it now.
it is all because i'm trying to understand.
maybe there is no need to.
instead of, i'd better try to forget immediatly.
'late at night just thinkin' of you, whisin you were here to talk to, now' -JOP

like my friend once said: "the day we won't hear about him..will be the day you found another man"
i just can't find another man when everything reminds me of him.
it is not about a picture or a place.
he is in everything known.
it's my third winter without him.
'tells me that she loves me the girl with golden eyes' -sixx am

it's a bad habbit.
an addiction.
i can see his bad parts.
but it is not about him being a good man or a bad one.
i want him and i don't care if he's a piece of shit.
i don't want to find myself on the streets staring at people just to see his face or expecting him to make an entrance in the place that i am.
'now i'm on my feet again better things are bound to happen all my dues surely must be paid many miles and many tears times were hard but now they're changing you should know that i'm not afraid..i'm ready for love' -bad company

it doesn't go by repeating his name, or writing all of these.
it just doesn't go.
'i just can't let go' -kingdome come

and now it's raining.i wish it go with the rain.
'i was cryin' when i met you now i'm tryin' to forget you' -aerosmith

and i don't know what else to say.
every night when i go to bed' thoughts are haunting me and now i can't remember any of them.

i wish i could tell you all of these.
right.
it's because i've never told you.
it's because i've never let you in.
i could ask you not to leave.
'and i'm thinkin: where has all the love gone? where's the love gone to? don't leave' -faithless

if i knew you were leaving, i would had ask you.
..even if i knew i'd watched you go.
that's what i do.
i watch you love.
i watch you not to love me.
i watch you closing the door.

i am the only fool, the only dumb in that story for sure.
no one does the same mistakes.
i do learn. i do know that i am doing mistakes.
but if he is the mistake. i just don't care.
'i ever wanted to know, never wanted to see, i wasted my time till time wasted me i never wanted to go always wanted to stay cuz the person i am are the parts that i play.' -when the crowds are gone savatage

when the crowds are gone i just sit and weep.
it's the only thing i can do.
it doesn't worth it.
but isn't it always like that.
we tear the most for the less important people.
even if i repeat myself everyday:
'just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful' -sixx am

i don't want a beautiful life if he's not a part of it.

'ain't gone and give up on love' -SRV

til i find a way out, i'll keep ask why and i'll keep try.
either way it is going to hurt.
so i'd better not quit.
i would do anything to get better.
even to get lost in the crowd til someone finds me,
to get wasted til i don't feel him.

-09122010-

summers rain

she said . i love you. tonight
and i felt she really does.
i. ve never needed those words so much.
since that he can.t proununced them.
since that no one could.


standing alone in a dream
where nothing is real
but oh how real it feels
there were times i lost my way
i was alone, lost in a haze
where are you now
i'll find you somehow
and do i stand alone
like a fool out in the rain

there are two path i can go by.
and i am still lookin. for the third one.

many mistakes.
and i still doin. them
i don't learn.
i don't change my ways.
and i still get hurt.

i have to grow.